I hope no zealot puts a bounty on my head. I wrote this about a week ago; at the risk of pouring fuel on a fire well on its way to burning itself out, I share it now. Perhaps The Onion already published something similar. I don’t know, but it most certainly would have been from a different perspective. To be clear, this is a FALSE NEWS STORY, intended only to satirize paranoia and complacency. Je suis Charlie.
BREAKING NEWS: PRESIDENT OBAMA ANNOUNCES PLAN TO SHIP ANTI-VAXXERS TO AN ISLAND. Following is a transcript of the press conference: “My fellow Americans, following the recent measles outbreak and in light of the fear and outrage it has sparked, I have decided to take swift and immediate action. Many have suggested the best solution is to ship the anti-vaxxers to an island, and, after careful consideration, that is what we have decided to do. Over the coming year, we will institute a program to relocate anti-vaxxers to the Hawaiian Islands, thereby protecting those citizens on the continent who have performed their patriotic duty and gotten their kids vaccinated. The vaccinated citizens of Hawaii will receive assistance to relocate to the continent where they may live in the homes vacated by the anit-vaxxers after those homes have been thoroughly inspected and cleaned by hazmat teams. We regret this inconvenience, but in times of crisis, we must all make sacrifices. To prevent fraud, only families wherein parents had opted out of vaccination prior to February 1, 2015 will be eligible for relocation to an island. We will begin the program by relocating families from the hardest hit areas in California. Once that is complete, the order of relocation will be determined by a random drawing of anti-vaxxers. If Hawaii becomes full, we will continue the process using the island of Puerto Rico. If we need to dump the stragglers on Guam, we will. We have strong bipartisan congressional support for this program, as well as an eight to one decision from an emergency Supreme Court session approving temporary suspension of the Constitution as we combat this dangerous enemy. In addition, we will institute a mandatory, semi-annual titer test for immunity among the vaccinated population. The five percent found to be consistently resistant to the vaccine will be relocated to the first available inhabitable planet, where their highly evolved immune systems will insure the continued existence of the human race.” Final note: in the shortest dissent in the history of the Supreme Court, Justice Scalia wrote, “I had it as a kid. Why the fuck should I care?”
giantmooserocks 